Thursday, 28 October 2010

The Helpful Sorcerer

  One day tiring of life as an evil warmonger, Ezekiel the Tempestuous decided to turn over a new leaf. Having more power in his little finger than anyone had ever possessed in the history of magic he felt he was well adapted to life on the road. So one sunny Tuesday afternoon he sold his Brimstone castle, let all his evil minions go with a year’s pay in advance, set Tricksie the dragon free, who was covered from head to toe in indestructible diamond scales, and walked off in to the great unknown.

  First he decided he would cross the Barren Desert of Death to the east of his lands. On the road he met a young girl who came running up to him in great distress.
  “Please sir” she cried pitifully “my brother Hans is stuck in a tall tree and I’m too small to use the ladder, can you help get him out?”
  Ezekiel’s first thought was to turn the girl into carrion and feed her to a passing vulture, but then he remembered his promise to himself that he would only try to do good in this world from now on. So he approached the tree, waved his hands in an erratic fashion and KABOOOM! With a thunderous clap the tree disappeared. Ezekiel was just admiring his handiwork when a high pitched scream rent the air and tiny Hans came crashing to Earth, breaking both his legs which splintered and broke through the skin as he landed.
  “Holy Mercy preserve us!” cried the girl.
  “Bugger” muttered Ezekiel.
  “Quick! Mr Sorcerer, you must make him better!” ordered the girl. Ezekiel shrugged his shoulders.
  “I’m sorry my dear, I’m not sure that I can. You see I’ve only ever really practiced with evil magic.”
  “But you must help him! He can’t keep living with legs like that!”
  “Oh very well,” said Ezekiel, and taking a step back he muttered an incantation which blackened the sky. Fire short forth from his fingertips, and when the smoke cleared the problem was over and the boy was left with two scorched bloody stumps where his legs had been.
  “AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!” screamed the girl
  “There, that should do it.” said Ezekiel and he trundled along the road toward the desert, whistling happily and leaving the first victims of his generosity in his wake.

  And Ezekiel made it to the desert. He had been crossing it on foot for about a week when he came across a man who was dying of thirst.
  “Please..... you must give me some water.” said the man. Ezekiel, who had survived perfectly well and maintained his power by consuming the souls of the desert life in great abundance was about to suggest to the man that he should stop being a wimp and would’ve probably set him on fire for making him lose his train of thought, when he remembered that he was now obligated to help his fellow man.
  “Hmmm.” He said aloud “I can’t summon anything life-giving, but I know a good teleportation spell that will send you to a place where water is in great abundance.”
  “Please,” said the man, nearly breathing his last “You’re my only hope.”
  “Very well,” said Ezekiel. And rolling up his sleeves he drew a circle in the air, and the sky was rent in twain, and the ground turned a livid yellow, and as the space-time continuum was torn apart the man was sucked in to a vortex which took him many miles underground to the Lake of the Damned wherein dwell the most sinister and terrible armies of the Undead. But true to Ezekiel’s word, there was plenty of water there, and the man was able to enjoy it in abundance as he was dragged down to his death by the dark skeletal hordes.  Ezekiel briefly pondered if perhaps he should have sent the man to a free coconut stand in Aruba instead, but shrugging his shoulders he figured that he would have asked the same thing if it had been the other way round and continued across the desert until he reached its end.
  And at the end of the desert he came to a town where all the windows were boarded up and garlic was hung over all the doors. He inquired at an inn whether he might have a room, for it was nearly nightfall. And at the inn, he was told that he could and indeed must, for the town was cursed with vampires and that they would be out soon. At first he thought he might just turn the town’s residents to stone and steal one of the nicer houses, but then he remembered that he was now pledged to help mankind through its troubles.
  “Vampires you say eh?” said Ezekiel. “I think I can solve your little problem.” And once again rolling up his sleeves he threw his arms above his head and in a tongue that only snakes can hear called forth the demons of the sky to bring him the Sun. And the demons brought the Sun so close to the Earth that the light penetrated even in to the darkest caves of the vampire lairs, through the cracks in their coffins to the skin of the vampires themselves, and they all burned in the unexpected daylight and the vampire curse was no more. Unfortunately, the Sun had been so close to the Earth that by the time the incantation was complete the land for hundreds of miles in all directions had been scorched lifeless, except under the feet of Ezekiel who was impervious to all destruction.
   And so he left the remains of the smouldering town, wondering why he seemed to have such a hard time making friends with the people he had helped. The thoughts wandered through his mind, opening up the paths of anger and hate once again that he had fought so long to expel. Bitterness enfolded his consciousness and he considered how he might cause evil again, but this time only greater and more terrible than he had ever attempted. And so he became an executive for a large advertising company, and to this day is still mass producing evil on a scale the likes of which have never before been known in this world.


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